White Noise

2021

Installation

This piece encapsulates my depressive state. It often feels as if I'm presenting a sugar coated version of myself, to be easily digestible, but once you take a look inside you see the agony and frustration. I've felt like a shell hosting a feasting parasite of negativity. This piece touches on the effects of toxic positivity that not only comes from those around me but from within me as well. Toxic positivity became my mantra, my white noise but never the solution. It became a mask.

I've struggled with depression for years, I never thought I needed help and always minimized my struggle. I was what some people would consider "high functioning" and never let my mental illness impact my life. That is until the anxiety crept in. I could no longer go to work without experiencing an anxiety attack, often, several times through out the day. This is when I finally sought out help and was offically diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

I was always hesitant about medication, but after a year of slow progress, I finally decided to give it a try. The difference was night and day. I can finally look beyond the depression and see who I really am and who I can become. I've learned to be kinder to myself and am slowly learning to ease down and relax without feeling guilty. Some days are definitely harder than others, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. A light that wasn't there before but now feels attainable. I'm at a place where I can talk about this without breaking down. I still hope that I can, eventually, ween off the medication, but right now I have a long ways to go and a lot of progress to make. But at least I finally found the damn path

I hope that by sharing this someone can find comfort in knowing that they're not alone. I hope that by sharing this someone will have the courage to seek help. I hope that in sharing this someone can find hope that it will get better.